


Satisfied

by mearcats



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Mentions of Previous Relationships, Minor Character Death, Romance, Smut, Unresolved Sexual Tension, cs au week, mentions of past Gremma, millian
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-18
Updated: 2017-02-10
Packaged: 2018-07-24 16:47:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7515746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mearcats/pseuds/mearcats
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Emma Swan is trying her best to get over her feelings for best friend, Killian Jones. When his fiancee dies, she tries to get his mother's ring back from the man who stole it while being there for Killian. But that might present a problem with the whole moving on thing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. always by your side

**Author's Note:**

> The follow up to [next to me](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6563770) is here and follows from Emma's perspective, tracing the next year or so of their lives. While this fic will feature positive Millian and Frozen Swan (probably some Gremma too), it is at its heart Captain Swan and that is the endgame pairing.

_April 2015_

Damn it. She was going to have to go rescue Killian, wasn’t she? Emma had gotten a text from Graham early that morning telling her that he’d seen that the small claims case between Killian and Gold was being arbitrated that morning. She had just gotten off the graveyard shift, but she could probably throw her uniform back on and make sure he didn’t do something monumentally stupid. It may be legally “small”, but Emma knew Killian was taking this case seriously. His mother’s ring – Milah’s ring, she corrected herself – was at stake.

Emma hurried to throw her clothes on and head over to the courthouse. She arrived in time to see her idiot of a friend trying to throw a punch at Robert Gold, one of the most powerful solicitors in the state. Managing to restrain Killian, she placated the judge and Gold before hauling Killian out to her car. She really did try not to shove him into the passenger seat of the Bug, but she wasn’t sure how successful she was.

The color was high in his cheeks, but he met her eyes directly. “Uh, Swan? Not that I’m not grateful no matter what, but shouldn’t you be wearing your badge if you’re on duty?”

Those damn blue eyes could wheedle anything from her, but Emma did her best to conceal her very brief flash of guilt. “Well, I’m not exactly on duty. My shift ended a couple hours ago, but I knew you had this court date. I also knew Gold would try to push your buttons. So I might have worn the uniform under slightly false pretenses.” The bastard knew that.

He snorted. “Might have? Lass, you’re off the chain. You could get in so much trouble. And all for me? I’m touched.”

Emma knew he was suffering, knew he was grieving. So she decided to give him a pass on that sanctimonious smirk and dramatic hand flourish. And the obnoxious sarcasm when she’d clearly prevented him from being sued. Before he could really start in on teasing her, she shut him up by threatening him with the cruellest fate…no bear claw from Granny’s.

Bear claws from the diner had been one of her traditions since the Nolans adopted her when she was sixteen, a tradition she’d gladly shared with Killian during one of their visits to her home during college. They’d continued to get weekly pastries in since Killian had moved to Storybrooke four years ago, with only a few interruptions. So if he knew what was good for him, he’d mind her.

Emma sighed. God, this was rough. She _definitely_ needed some onion rings to deal with this. And a beer. Yeah, that was going to happen.

—

As soon as they pulled up into her driveway, she motioned for him to sit on the porch with their food. She had to go change into something less official…and have a moment to pull her thoughts together.

Killian was definitely going through a rough spot right now, and he needed her. And she would be there for him. But she couldn’t do it at the expense of her own heart, her own well-being. She cared for him more than she could say (to him, at least), but Emma had been burned by her feelings for him before.

Yes, she would provide a friendly shoulder and an understanding ear. But she couldn’t provide more, she realized, her heart aching. She couldn’t let her love for him hurt her any more.

—

Emma hadn’t even been thinking – she’d been running on autopilot when she threw on the sweater she’d stolen from Killian ages ago. Blessedly, he didn’t say anything about it. They devoured their food in companionable silence, her mind racing as she thought of what to say to bring him out of his sudden turn of stoicism.

“So you almost punched a rich lawyer inside a courthouse today,” she blurted out. Well, no one could say she wasn’t blunt. She tried to hide her grimace as watched him wipe his face. Emma was not prepared for his response.

“Fun times.”

She looked at him askance for a moment as he broke into hysterical laughter that she couldn’t help but reciprocate. Soon though, laughter turned to crying.

Emma wrapped her arms around him and muttered soothingly to him. As he buried his face in her neck, she felt his tears on her skin, moistening the sweater. She stroked Killian’s back, her heart hurting for him. She was fairly certain this was the first time he’d shown any feeling at all since Milah’s passing. Hell, even she’d cried more than he had.

—

_February 2015_

“Emma, you have to come over! It’s not a party without you.” She smiled at the pleading in Killian’s voice.

“I have an early shift tomorrow. Maybe you can wheedle me into coming over for a party some other time,” she said.

“Nope, Swan. It has to be tonight. Milah and I won’t stand for anything else. If you miss this, there’ll be no more invites.”

“Ah, the friendly manipulation tactic. I suppose I can come over for a little, but I won’t be able to stay long.”

“You just need to be there!” Killian sounded so carefree and lighthearted; she laughed at him a little before agreeing to show up at his and Milah’s apartment within the hour.

Emma pulled up to the curb of the building where Killian and Milah lived. She rarely felt the ache of hearing the phrase “Milah’s and Killian’s place” anymore, and she was excited for this impromptu gathering. Grabbing the bottle of wine she’d brought with her, she walked up the stairs and knocked at their door.

She was greeted at the door by Milah, who beamed at her before pulling her into a hug. Emma was pleasantly surprised to see most of their crew in Storybrooke in the room: Killian’s half-sister Regina and her husband Robin, Ruby, Phil, Aurora, Ariel, Eric, Jane, Gwen, Lance, Merida, and Graham. To her delight, Emma even saw Belle, one of the few friends from undergrad either she or Killian had kept up with. After greeting everyone, she made her way to the island in the kitchen to pour herself a drink.

Belle and Emma spent a few minutes catching up, and Emma was delighted to learn that Belle was planning on relocating to the town in a couple of weeks. Belle had just broken things off with her fiance, Gaston, after finding out he was involved in an embezzlement scheme. She needed to start over, and she was hoping to do so where she already knew people. And Storybrooke had had a fortuitous opening at the library.

Killian and Milah drew everyone’s attention to them in the center of the room. “Now, now, everyone! Listen up! We’ve gathered you all here for a reason. We have an announcement,” Milah announced loudly.

Emma felt her stomach drop. _No, not that._ But what other reason could there be for the party, for all their closest friends to be called here.

Killian cleared his throat, practically glowing with happiness. “Aye, some of you may have guessed–we’re engaged! I asked this lovely woman to marry me last night, and she accepted.” He lifted his fiancee’s hand into the air, showing off the ring sparkling on her finger.

Oh god, it was his mother’s ring.

Emma tried to swallow the lump in her throat, dimly aware that the others in the room were congratulating the happy couple. She noticed Graham and Merida shooting her a concerned look, and she pasted on a smile, hoping it wasn’t too close to a grimace. She could do this. She could totally offer her congratulations to the man she loved and the woman he loved on their impending nuptials.

Later, she would vaguely remember hugging Milah and Killian, and she clearly said the appropriate words, but those moments were mostly a blur. Graham could obviously see her growing distress and – bless him – came up with an exit strategy. He said he’d just gotten a text that had been dispatched through from the station asking for him and Emma, so they begged off. Emma gave Merida a grateful nod on her way out, sensing the other woman’s hand in this.

As soon as they were outside, Emma drew a deep breath. She needed to get away from here.

Graham looked down at her, honest eyes full of worry. “Can I do something, or do you want to be alone?”

“I-I want to be alone. But thank Merida for me. And we’ll talk tomorrow,” she whispered, voice thick with unshed tears. She turned and all but ran to the Bug before driving home.

As soon as she arrived, she barricaded herself under the desk in her office. Sobs wracked her frame. Emma pulled her knees up and wrapped her arms around them, burying her face their. She knew she was smearing makeup all over her jeans, but she couldn’t bring herself to care.

She had never thought it would go this far. Whenever she had envisioned the future, all she’d ever seen was Killian. He and Milah had been together for almost two years, but it still hadn’t really registered how serious it was. Hell, she’d helped Milah move in with Killian (and yes, that had hurt) but it still hadn’t sunk in. But that was over now. Killian wasn’t going to wake up one day and realize it was Emma he loved, there wasn’t going to be a _them_.

Selfishly, she wished he had never met Milah. A loud cry escaped her throat when she felt a small fuzzy head butting up against her shin.

Henry let out a trill of a meow and pawed gently at her arm. Emma lowered her legs and let him crawl into her lap, embracing the small tuxedo cat. He sniffed at her face and licked her cheek. Her watery chuckle clearly pleased him, and he began purring. As she rubbed his back, she came to a decision, and her delicate features hardened in determination.

She had to get past her feelings for Killian. As of this moment, they had to be dead. Gone. Dunzo. She could do this. Emma nodded and nuzzled her face in Henry’s fur. _Yes_ , she thought, _tomorrow was a new day, and she could be a new Emma…one who didn’t have any romantic feelings at all for Killian Jones_.

Well, maybe after a weekend with Elsa and a cry on her friend and sometimes-lover’s shoulder. Emma sent Elsa a quick text asking if she could visit her in Toronto the following weekend. As soon as she received an affirmative, she climbed out from under the desk and went to bed.

—

Emma grumbled as she pulled up in front of the diner in the cruiser to pick Graham up for their shift. He slid into the seat beside her, pressing a cup of coffee into her hands. She grunted her thanks. He knew her well enough to know she was never really verbal before caffeine, let alone on a day when she was splotchy and had red eyes from her crying spell the previous night.

She was half-way done with the coffee before she broke the silence. “Thanks. For last night and for the coffee.”

He gave her a sad smile. “Emma, you’re my partner. And my friend. I’ll always be here for you, you know?”

Emma pulled over. She leaned over to the passenger seat and pulled him into a tight hug before he could see how misty she’d gotten. “You’re the best, Graham. I don’t deserve you,” she murmured.

He pulled back and elbowed her lightly. “Damn straight you don’t. But you’re stuck with me anyway.”

She laughed and elbowed him back. “Thank god. Oh, what did you do after the party? Did you go back.”

“Nah. I got us both out of that dull party, and nothing could have dragged me back,”  Graham teased.

“Ha! You mean you were happy to go home and play videogames until Merida got back, don’t you?” she asked confidently.

He reddened but didn’t deny her allegations. “Merida didn’t stay much longer, and she made sure our work excuse held up.”

“Thank her for me, seriously.”

“Tell her yourself. She wants you to come over for dinner tonight.”

Emma agreed easily. She loved hanging out Graham and Merida, though she felt a stab of loneliness that everyone seemed to have someone but her. Pushing the thought away, she pulled back onto the road.

—

It was near the end of their shift when they got the call. There had been a car crash a couple miles away, and it was bad. There was already another cop on site, and the ambulance was on its way. Emma and Graham turned on the siren and raced over to the crash, arriving just a breath after the ambulance. The EMTs ran to check on the people in the car, and Emma experienced a sinking feeling of dread when she recognized the car.

_Milah’s car_.

Oh, god.

—

Milah was pronounced dead on arrival. The preliminary investigation found that it seemed to be accidental, an unfortunate car accident, though the other driver had run off. She had been on her way back from talking to Gold, trying to plead with him to grant her the divorce so she could marry Killian.

Speaking of Killian, Emma never again wanted to experience telling a friend something so awful. She and Graham went to his apartment together, where he could immediately tell something was wrong. He had tried calling Milah about dinner but hadn’t gotten a response. She had grabbed his arm while Graham told him what happened.

Killian was just…stoic. He was stoic when he learned of Milah’s death and just as stoic at her funeral. Emma stood beside him, ready to support him when he faltered. But he didn’t–he just stood there almost emotionlessly, listlessly.

Emma finally saw a glimmer of emotion when Killian heatedly informed her that Gold had kept Milah’s ring, Killian’s _mother’s_ ring. He was going to try to take Gold to small claims court to get it back. Emma swallowed a groan, knowing that it would be challenging at best.

—

_April 2015_

Emma continued to hold Killian as he wept, paying no mind to how soaked her shoulder had gotten. She just stroked his hair until he finally lifted his face away and apologized for ruining her sweater.

“Sorry. I got snot on your shirt,” Killian said as he wiped his face with a napkin Emma had handed him.

Emma snorted. “Killian, don’t you dare worry about that. Besides, it’s your shirt.”

He gave her a quick once-over and grumbled at her, his voice still hoarse. “I really should take that back someday.”

She couldn’t resist bumping his shoulder affectionately. “Over my dead body. Possession is nine-tenths of the law, and I’ve had this bad boy in my closet for almost a decade.” She cringed at her poor choice of words, but he didn’t seem to notice.

“I see how it is. Lend a girl a sweater when you’re twenty, and you never see it again.”

“Please, it looks better on me.”

“That it does, love,” Killian agreed.

Emma willed her heart not to speed up. (Though it didn’t listen, traitorous bastard.) It took her a few minutes of trying to quell her feelings for him before she realized neither of them had said anything, and Killian looked lost in thought. “Where are you, Killian?”

“Sorry, lass. I’m afraid my thoughts wandered.”

She forced herself not to ask, sure he needed support and not interrogation right now. Instead, she laced their fingers together. “I just worry about you, you know?”

“Aye, Swan. I-I needed today, catastrophic as it was for the sweater. Today is the first time since Milah died that I’ve felt anything.” He made his confession with a sigh, and Emma’s heart broke for him.

“It’s been a long couple of months,” she admitted. Then, a thought occurred to her, one that chilled her heart. “Can you promise me you won’t go after Gold? Not until we can prove things, anyway.”

“Yes, love. As long as you can promise we’ll try to find a way.”

“We will, Killian,” she swore, leaning her head on his shoulder as he squeezed her hand.

“He has my mother’s ring, Emma. For no reason other than that he knows it’ll cause me additional pain.”

“I know. And we’ll get him eventually.”

He lifted her hand to his lips and brushed them across her knuckles. “Together?”

For the first time in years, Emma felt hope kindle in her heart. She knew she was probably giving him intense heart eyes, but she couldn’t hold back her smile. “Together.”

“Together,” he repeated, pulling her into his arms and kissing her forehead.

She forced herself not to lean into him too much. She might have hope, but she knew she couldn’t rush this…whatever it was. “Don’t get sappy on me, Jones. We have bearclaws and beers.”

“Aye, we do.”

—

Evening fell, the stars twinkling brightly in the sky. They stayed out on the porch until they started to shiver, the warmth from the beers they consumed that day fading, their lighter clothes not suitable for the chilly wind blowing in from the bay.

The finally retreated inside, and even though it was shamefully early, Emma bit back a yawn. She grinned when Killian mirrored it, clearly exhausted by the emotional maelstrom of a day.

“Do you mind if I stay here? I just don’t want to be alone, especially there-”

She interrupted him before he could continue. “Of course. You’re always welcome here. I’ll make sure the spare room has everything you need.”

Killian shook his head, “I mean…if you don’t mind, could I sleep in your bed? With you?”

Emma hesitated. She wanted to say yes, knew he needed comfort. Hell, she kind of needed it too. But what would this do to her long-term? Placing a hand over her racing heart, she finally nodded. “Sure, but if you start snoring, I reserve the right to throw you out.”

“You put up with that blasted needy cat Henry, but you can’t put up with some light snoring from your poor, bereaved best friend? I’m hurt, Swan,” he said in that mockingly dramatic way of his. His eyes looked a little uncertain, though, and her heart wrenched.

“Kidding, Jones. Come on up and go to sleep.”

—

Later, Emma laid awake in Killian’s arms, his chest warm against her back. She was sure he was asleep by now, as neither of them had spoken in a while. She was just finding it difficult to sleep being held by him like this for the first time in years. She had missed it more than she could say…but she was fighting the urge to distance herself from him, to let her self-preservation take over.

Killian’s arms tightened around her, and he whispered, “Emma?”

She took a deep breath. “Yeah?”

“Thank you. For today, for everything.”

“That’s what friends are for.”

“Then you’re the best of friends. Thanks for listening to all my secrets.”

Emma squeezed the hand draped over her waist. “No problem.”

Silence reigned for a few moments, and Emma felt her eyes begin to droop.

“Emma?”

“Huh?”

“Do you have any secrets from me?” Emma was foggily able to distinguish that this was important to him. He didn’t sound angry or upset, just curious.

“‘Cuz I know all of yours?”

“Aye.”

She paused while she pondered the best way to answer him, stroking his hand with her thumb. She decided on bluntness. “Yeah. Sorry.”

“Nothing to apologize for, love.” A second’s silence, then: “Do you think you’ll tell me someday?”

Emma smiled and snuggled further into his arms. “Yeah, I do.”

She felt him smile against her hair. “Good night, Emma.”

“‘Night, Killian.”


	2. a woman who has never been satisfied

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter ended up getting pretty explicit (note the change in rating!) and part of that includes a flashback that contains Gremma smut. Just a heads-up! And thank you all so much for your patience.

_April 2015_

For the first time in over three years, Emma woke up in Killian’s arms. Neither had moved much in their slumber. He was still spooning her, she realized fondly. Her mood quickly shifted from fond affection to something else entirely as he nuzzled her ear, his breath sending a shiver down her neck and making her core clench with desire. She could feel his arousal pressing lightly between her cheeks. Before she had a chance to decide whether to arch back into it, she felt Killian’s hand drift from her waist to cup her right breast, his thumb gently skimming back and forth over her nipple until it hardened.

“Morning, beautiful,” he whispered huskily. He kissed her neck, sucking a mark on that place just below her ear, the one he knew always got her randy.

She was done for. Emma leaned back into him and moaned. “Mmm, morning.”

“Turn over, love.”

Emma did as he asked, now facing him. He kissed her hungrily, demandingly. Killian’s hand remained on her breast while he used his left arm to brace himself over her. She dug her nails into his shoulders as she returned his kisses, and she knew the half-moon imprints would be etched on his skin later.

Killian’s lips were trailing down the side of her neck, lingering every now and then as he nipped at her skin before soothing the bites with his tongue. Emma’s head spun, lost in a cloud of lust, and she rolled her hips into his.

He growled—growled!—at her, and Emma was sure she was losing her mind. She was absolutely convinced when he sat up and pulled off the shirt she had lent him, then tugged at the hem of her own. She pushed herself up, helping him remove the bothersome garment.

Once he had unobstructed access to her breasts, he wasted no time in capturing one taught nipple and sucking it roughly. Emma moaned approval, especially when his fingers captured the other one.

Lost in her daze of passion, Emma hardly noticed the removal of her shorts and his boxer-briefs. So lost in the feel of his hands, his lips, his arousal on her skin, touching, licking, caressing, pressing into her.

Emma had been meeting his thrusts into her still-covered core, their mouths fused together, when she felt his fingers tickling the edge of her underwear. She gasped when they slipped past the lacy edge, and Killian pushed two fingers inside her. “Oh god, that feels so good. You feel so good.”

Killian lowered himself and pressed a lingering kiss to her hipbone. “Mmm, need you so much...it’s been so long,” he moaned.

Emma stilled abruptly, his words killing her mood as effectively as a bucket of cold water. “Stop, Killian.”

He did as she asked, pulling his fingers from her and out of her underwear. He bit his lip in worry. “What is it, love?”

Emma looked away from him, remembering the last time she had heard the words, “I need you.”

\---

_July 2013_

Emma always looked forward to the 4th of July. This year promised to be its predecessors’ equal in terms of fireworks and pool parties (Ruby’s annual bash really was amazing), but she half wished she had tried to take one of the shifts to cover it. She had been with the department long enough that she wasn’t stuck on holiday duty very often anymore, but she wished she was for this one. She just really, really wanted an excuse not to hang out with Killian and Milah.

They had been together for almost two months. Emma had been back from her road trip she had taken after finding out about them for just a little over a month, and while she had grown to appreciate Milah in her own right, her heart still ached whenever she spent time with them as a couple. Which was often. Quite frankly, Emma was tired. Tired of being sad and miserable, tired of hanging out where she wasn’t wanted.

Fortunately, this was a bigger party. She’d have to say hi to them, but she could busy herself talking to other guests. And then watch the fireworks. If all else failed, she could pretend Elsa needed to talk to her.

Emma sighed. If only Elsa were actually here. But alas, her friend?girlfriend-ish?person? was back in Canada. Even if it did give her good excuses for escaping awkwardness, she wished Elsa were here instead.

She shook her head. She had to get past this. And she would. With any luck, she’d be able to get a start on that soon.

When she arrived at the party, it was almost six. After greeting everyone, Emma grabbed a beer and joined Ruby and Graham around the grill. She had greeted Killian and Milah where they stood near the pool, but scurried away as quickly as she could without being rude.

Ruby smiled at her. “Hanging out with Graham on your day off? Isn’t it enough that you’re stuck working together already?”

Graham teasingly wrapped an arm around Emma. “Would we really say ‘stuck’? Besides, we’re definitely the best looking partners in the area.”

Emma rolled her eyes but smiled. “I guess it’s not _that_ bad,” she says as she elbows him lightly.

“Since I’m such a helpful fellow, can I fetch you ladies some drinks?” He pulled back from Emma, looking at the two women inquiringly.

“Ooh, get me a Mai Tai. And another for Emma,” Ruby called out.

Emma raised an eyebrow at her friend. “I could have picked my own drink, you know.”

“Of course you could have. And you would have picked a very sensible beer. But I’m getting drunk today, and I need you to keep me company with that.” She glanced over at where Milah sat in Killian’s lap in one of the lawn chairs.

Her lips tightened for a moment and she swallowed before nodding. “Deal,” she agreed. Apparently she wasn’t so subtle as she had thought, if Ruby was trying to get her good and drunk.

Ruby just rested a perfectly manicured hand on Emma’s shoulder momentarily, and they sat in companionable silence finishing their drinks before turning to call out to Graham.

His hands were full of all their drinks. “Can one of you help me? I’d rather not spill.”

“Our hero,” Ruby crooned, going to assist him.

“Thanks, Graham,” Emma said, grinning. The three clinked their glasses together, drinking to an excellent evening.

Byt the time the sun set, Emma, Graham, and Ruby were three sheets to the wind. While they had definitely talked to other people at the party, they had mostly kept to themselves. Every now and then, Emma had sneaked peeks at Killian and Milah, her stomach in knots every time she saw the affection between them. Every time she tried to drown it in another gulp of her drink. Ruby had done her best to distract with her loud, happy antics, and Emma didn’t have to pretend to enjoy herself as she laughed at her friend. Even Graham seemed to realize that Emma was upset. If she found her gaze lingering overly long on the object of her affection and his girlfriend, Graham’s hand would come to rest at her waist and gently turn away from the sight.

Which was how, hours later, she found herself sitting on the damp grass between Ruby and Graham, her head on the latter’s shoulder while Ruby rested her head in Emma’s lap. She caught Killian’s eye once, and he raised an eyebrow at her companions and the position in which she found herself. She just blushed and shook her head at him. The fireworks started, and everyone oohed and aahed appreciatively as the show continued.

Eventually, Emma realized Ruby had fallen asleep. She looked up at Graham in amusement. He smiled down at her, both amusement and something else, something darker in his eyes. Something like admiration for her, and not just as a fellow police officer. Yearning.

_Oh_. Emma sucked in a breath, and Graham’s eyes trailed down to her lips. She licked them quickly, and he let out a low moan.

“You’re killing me, Emma.”

“Sorry?” She pulled back, looking away apologetically.

He ran a hand over her neck, pulling her gaze back to his own. “Don’t apologize for that. I mean, if you want to, you can…”

Emma looked over at Killian and Milah. Their attention wasn’t on the fireworks or the rest of the party at all; between kisses, they were staring at each other besottedly. She hurriedly placed a hand on his thigh. “I do. Want, that is. You. If you’re offering.”

Graham cleared his throat. “Excellent. So, er.”

“Um, let me figure out what to do with sleeping beauty here,” Emma smirked, gesturing to Ruby.

He nodded, pressing a kiss to her temple and standing.

Emma met Killian’s eyes again. His brow was furrowed as he looked at Graham and he frowned. She looked away, shaking Ruby’s shoulder lightly. “Hey, sweetie. Time to wake up. I don’t want you to fall asleep in your backyard.”

Ruby started dramatically. “Wha-Oh. Thanks. Are you heading out?” She rubbed her eyes sleepily and sat up.

Emma’s cheeks reddened. “Yeah. I think Graham and I are going to take off,” she whispered.

Ruby beamed at her. “Excellent. Have fun. Responsibly, of course.”

“Yes, mother.” She rolled her eyes.

Making sure she avoided eye contact with anyone else at the party, she made her way back inside. She was grabbing her purse from the coat closet, when she felt hands circle her waist possessively.

“Are you ready?” Graham asked, kissing a path down her neck.

Emma shivered. “Yeah. Your place or mine?” She turned in his arms, pressing her lips against his, kissing him until they were both breathless.

“Hmm, mine is closer, just a short walk. I’m a bit too intoxicated to drive.” He pulled back from her reluctantly.

“Yours sounds good then. I couldn’t drive right now either,” she said, taking his hand.

“Are you sure this is a good idea? With us being drunk and coworkers and all? Because we’ll be fine if the answer’s no.”

Emma paused. “I want you. I don’t know if it’s a good idea, but I…”

A glimmer of understanding shone in Graham’s eyes. “You need this.” He shrugged. “Well, I can’t say it hasn’t been a while for me too. We can figure out the rest later.”

Emma nodded determinedly. It wasn’t like she didn’t want him. He really was an attractive man...

They walked the five blocks to Graham’s house, hands periodically wandering as they made their way there. As soon as the door was unlocked and they stepped inside, Graham pressed her against the wall of the entry.

Cupping her ass in his hands, he pulled her close. She could feel his arousal through the layers of their clothes, and she hitched a leg around his waist. He hoisted her up into his arms, and kissed her hard, his tongue plundering her mouth. When she was securely in his arms, he walked them into his bedroom.

Emma fell back onto the bed when Graham’s legs bumped into it. He looked down at her, breathing heavily, eyes full of lust. She returned the look as she stared back at him.

“Take your clothes off,” she commanded.

“Yes, ma’am,” he agreed, his hands immediately going to his buttons.

Emma wetted her lips and pushed herself up on her elbows as he pulled off his shirt. Her eyes followed the expanse of his chest down to where his hands rested on his belt. She sat up and reached for him, cupping his erection through his pants.

He groaned. “God, Emma. Feels so good. You need to take off your clothes too.”

She nodded and pulled her shirt over her head and she stood and shucked off her shorts as quickly as she could. By the time she turned around, she was clad in only her bra and panties. Graham had removed all of his clothing, and Emma’s eyes widened appreciatively at the sight of his unclothed body. He was definitely in good shape, and she had no complaints about what he was packing.

He let out a quick laugh. “Are you just going to stare?”

She smiled at him, especially when she saw his eyes drift down to her generous cleavage. “Nothing wrong with a little staring. But I guess we could do a little more than that-”

Graham cut her off with a kiss. His lips left hers to trail along her jawline, and he sucked a mark under her ear before nipping at her earlobe. He ran one hand down to her breast and squeezed. “Turn around.”

Emma moaned loudly and did as he asked. She thrust her ass back, grinding against his hard cock.

His hands cupped her breasts, and he alternated biting and licking his way from her ear to her shoulder. He thrust forward, his cock sliding along the silk of her panties. One hand left her breast to wander below her underwear, and his fingers danced over her clit.

She was so wet. “God, Emma,” Graham panted, dipping two fingers into her as he kept his thumb pressed against her clit. She was aching for him as he rocked against her backside, wanted him so much—

“You want this, don’t you?” he whispered into her shoulder. He tweaked her nipple as he spoke, and she continued to ride his fingers.

“Oh...yes, need you. I need you now,” she cried. Emma pushed aside the twinge of guilt she felt, but this felt so good when everything else had been so shitty lately. She needed this, needed to feel something that didn’t hurt.

He pulled his fingers out of her and took her underwear off. “Get on the bed. I’ll get a condom.”

Emma crawled forward onto the bed as she heard the tell-tale sounds of a condom wrapper being opened and slid on. She looked back over shoulder and felt her core clench in desire at the way he was stalking toward her.

She felt him come up behind her, one hand running up the line of her spine as he gripped her hip with the other. She felt his cock rub between her folds, and she whimpered a little. When she thrust back, the tip of his cock entered her. He paused.

“Ready, Emma?”

She nodded, and he grabbed her waist tightly and pushed into her. They let out twin moans of pleasure, and he began thrusting into her.

“Oh...Graham...harder.”

He snapped his hips into her more forcefully. They moved together without much finesse, but it wasn’t long before they were crying out their climaxes.

Emma collapsed onto the bed. Graham stood to clean up and dispose of the condom, but returned quickly. He slipped back under the covers with her and wrapped an arm around her waist. She stiffened, but made herself relax. After all, a cuddle couldn’t hurt after they’d just had sex.

When she awoke the next morning, her head pounded and she ached with tiredness...and other things. Emma and Graham had turned to each other twice more in the night before their passion was sated. Now, though...she felt awkward. She turned to find the other side of the bed empty, and she gave a sigh of relief. She could smell the coffee and hear Graham puttering around in the kitchen, but she was glad to have a few minutes to compose herself.

Emma finally emerged after washing her her face and putting her clothes back on. She stepped into the kitchen where Graham was pouring coffee into two mugs. Clearing her throat, she said, “Hey.”

He turned toward her and held out a mug. “Ah, there you are. Here’s your coffee, and I’ve got bacon in the oven.”

Emma took the proffered coffee and murmured her thanks, but she cringed internally at Graham’s hopeful, earnest face. She felt the guilt rising in her. Taking a deep pull of her coffee, she nearly choked as she burnt her tongue.

Graham chuckled as she coughed, and covered one of her hands with his own. He turned serious as she met his eyes. “Emma...I had a great time last night. And if you allowed it, I could care about you as more than just my work partner. But unless you feel the same way, I don’t think we should have any repeats of last night.”

She let out the breath she was holding. “I-I wish I could say I did. I used you, and you don’t deserve that. I’m sorry.” She looked down into the murky depths of her coffee miserably.

“Love, I knew what I was getting into. And I have no regrets. I just—I wanted to let you know. And I won’t make things awkward or anything.”

Emma’s shoulders slumped. “I’m sorry. I won’t either. Make things awkward, that is.”

Graham noticed that she was near tears and enveloped her in a hug. “Oh, Swan. It’ll be okay, I promise.”

“I don’t deserve friends like you,” she sniffled into his shoulder.

“Yes, you do. You deserve good things, and I hope that you get them someday,” he said, patting her head lightly.

It was such a silly gesture that Emma couldn’t help but laugh. It was a watery laugh, but a laugh nonetheless. “You’re such a dork.”

“I am. And you like it.” At that, he released her. He retrieved their breakfast from the oven and turned the conversation to lighter things, including her tentative plans to buy a house.

They had a pleasant meal together, and when it came time for her to leave, Emma hugged Graham tightly. “Thank you,” she whispered.

“No problem,” he replied, and kissed her on the nose, bidding her farewell.

\---

It wasn’t awkward after that between her and Graham. Emma was beyond glad that they were able to return to their simpler friendship and partnership without a fuss, though they did have to contend with a few raised eyebrows from friends who had been at the party at Ruby’s. Most of these were put off with one of her signature scowls, though.

She still spent time with Killian and Milah, even though it hurt. Emma knew now that she was, beyond the shadow of a doubt, in love with Killian. But he was happy with Milah, and all the wishing in the world wouldn’t change that.

So Emma made up her mind to move on. She had very nearly hurt Graham by her carelessness, so she decided to do it on her own (well, with help from Elsa whenever they had a chance to visit each other).

That autumn day she signed the deed to her house, she was met by other welcome news—she was promoted to police sergeant. Graham winked and congratulated her, and Emma happily introduced him to her new friend Merida that evening when they were out for celebratory drinks. Merida and her entire family were new in town, having opened a shop that specialized in nostalgia and classic wood-carved toys. Emma adored Merida’s bluntness and kindness, and had been fairly sure Graham would too. When she saw the spark in her friends’ eyes when they met, she repressed an internal squeal of joy.

And when her parents suggested she get a pet, Emma agreed. She had every intention of getting a dog, but as soon as she stepped into the Humane Society, they introduced her to the little tuxedo kitten named Henry. He had squirmed in her arms but refused to be parted from her, and she had taken him home that same day.

It was, she reflected, not a bad life. Not at all.

\---

_April 2015_

Somehow, in all the times she had been with Elsa since her tryst with Graham, neither of them had ever uttered the words “I need you”. Or at least they had,until Elsa met Mulan in March. Emma didn’t begrudge Elsa the comfort of someone who lived in the same city. And Graham had been happy with Merida since she had introduced them. Merida had even moved in after they had been together a year.

At any rate, Emma had found that she had “needed” very few people in a long time. She loved her family and her friends and the life she had built for herself. It wasn’t perfect, but it was stable and comfortable, a mostly pleasant life.

Emma swallowed, pulling herself out of her reminiscing. She looked at Killian, pushing down the pang of want at seeing him there. His desire seemed to have faded, replaced by concern. She found her shirt and pulled it back on.

“Killian...you’re looking for comfort right now. You don’t need me, you need someone, maybe anyone. And I-I can’t do that. I care about you too much to be a comfort fuck.”

“Emma, do you really think I’d use you like that?”

“I do know what it is to lose someone you love,” she said bluntly. “Sometimes when we’re hurting, we end up doing things that hurt other people, even if we don’t mean to.”

Killian clenched his jaw and looked away.

Emma took that as confirmation that she was at least partially right. “I’m not saying I won’t be here for you, just not like that.” She patted his bicep comfortingly, glad he wasn’t pulling away from her.

He let out a sigh and pulled his own clothes back on. “I need some time. To think...figure things out.”

“And that’s fine.”

“I don’t want to hurt you, Swan. You mean so much to me. And I do need you in my life, I just need to figure out in what capacity,” Killian said. He reached for her hand, squeezing it lightly.

She looked over at him, at the honesty in his blue eyes. “I know. If we were to do this,” she gestured between the two of them, “we would need to be in a better place. Things are different than they used to be. I won’t settle for you just wanting another warm body. It’ll only work if you want _me_ ,” Emma explained.

“And that’s very fair, love.” He paused. “I do love you, you know. Can you just give me some time?”

“Of course,” she affirmed, cupping his jaw and smiling at him.

She might not be able to wait forever, but she could wait a little longer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think either here or on tumblr! Thanks for reading!


	3. you forget yourself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angst and honest conversations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much @katie-dub and Sophie, without whom this would have languished even longer.
> 
> And this has a fair amount of Millian in it. I'm personally of the opinion that you can love two people, even at the same time. Love is complicated and hard, and sometimes people do stupid things when they're dealing with that. Especially in fics, because that's the nature of conflict. If that isn't something you're interested in, this is not the fic for you.

_May 2015_

It had been a few days since Killian had left her house that morning after their near-hookup. She didn’t want to crowd him, but she hadn’t gotten so much as a text from him. Emma decided that after work, she’d head over to his apartment and find out what was up…even if it was just that he needed more space.

—

She knocked on the door to his apartment, sighing with relief when he opened the door. She was glad he was home, even if she was dropping in without any warning.

Killian looked pensive, even a little chagrined.

“Hey. Can I come in?”

He leaned against the door frame to give her room to squeeze past. “Of course, love. Sorry I’ve been rather uncommunicative of late, I just…” He sighed and ran his hand through his hair.

“It’s a lot, Killian,” Emma said.

“It is, and I’m glad you understand, but it’s not fair to you.”

“And that’s why I’m here. I was hoping we could talk.” Seeing the apprehension on his face, she tried to reassure him, “I’m not trying to pressure you or anything, I just…need to know where things stand. And if they are…standing.”

He guided her to the couch and sat next to her, pulling her down next to him.

Emma chose to interpret him not letting go of her hand as a good sign. She gave his a light squeeze and he smiled at her.

“I know I hinted at it the other day, but I do need you in my life, Killian. I can’t imagine a life without you in it.”

“Nor I you, Swan.”

“That said, I can’t do the whole occasional-hooking-up thing we did when we were younger. I want something new and more. Or I’d rather we just decide friendship is all. Because I can’t keep holding onto the hope we’ll be something more, only to have it snatched away again. I can’t,” she said, embarrassed at actually choking up.

“Again?” he asked.

She fought the urge to kiss away the confusion wrinkling his brow. It might be fun, but it certainly wouldn’t help them along, especially when things were so muddled. “Yeah, back when you and Milah got together?”

“I’m sorry, love, I don’t quite recall…”

She hid her wince. “I think maybe you were fed up with our back and forth. It was not long before Walsh and I broke up, and…”

—

_May 2013_

“Things aren’t working with Walsh.”

“That’s because he’s a buffoon. And possibly a baboon,” said Killian matter-of-factly.

Emma looked at him, exasperated. “Seriously? I tell you I’m going to break up with my boyfriend, and all you can do is mock him?”

“Well, what would you like me to say?”

“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe something nice and sympathetic?”

“Was it ever going to be serious with him? Are you actually that attached to him?”

She hesitated. “Not really? He wants something serious, but…it feels like he wants it with this idea he has of me. Not _me_ me.”

“And you, love?”

A pause. “No. I think he’s great on paper, and I should be crazy about him. But I’m just not. And it’s been six months.”

He smiled. “It would have happened if it were going to.”

“Basically, yeah.”

“He’s not the right guy for you, Swan.”

“Oh? And how would you know?”

Something more serious could be seen in his expression, even though his tone was mild. “Maybe I just don’t see you with an obnoxious ape like him. You should be with someone who knows you for you and adores all of you.”

“Where the hell am I going to find that? The only people who feel that way about me are–”

“Me.”

She stared at him. “You?”

He sighed at her. “Don’t you think it’s time? We’re inseparable when we’re single, and all our relationships end up being doomed. Usually because others don’t measure up.”

Emma continued to look at him, speechless.

“Love, this can’t honestly surprise you that much.”

Finally, she shook her head to clear her stupor. “I guess I just–I don’t know, never thought we’d get our shit together?”

Killian rolled so that his head was resting in her lap, reaching up to caress her face. “I hope we can. I want to.”

She bit her bottom lip. “What if we mess it up?”

“We probably will, but I think our friendship can handle it,” he said with a rakish grin and an attempt at a smolder.

She smiled and then sobered. “I…it sounds like the greatest of ideas. But I really do need to break up with Walsh first. I know you don’t like him, but he doesn’t deserve me acting on things now. Even if I want to,” she said, running her fingers through his hair.

He sat up. “What does that mean for this, then?” he asked, gesturing between the two of them.

“It means…give me some time? So I can break up with Walsh and do things the right way? And a little time to adjust to what this means for us?”

She saw the uncertainty in his eyes, but he nodded. She kissed his cheek, then changed the subject. “So what do you want to watch?”

—

It had taken Emma longer than she would have liked to end things with Walsh. First, his dog died. Which, awful. Then there had been that stretch of days where she had been too busy to text him, let alone meet up and break up. So it was almost two weeks later when she was finally able to meet up with him.

Walsh took it…less well than Emma might have expected. Honestly, he threw a bit of a tantrum. It took her almost two hours to drive the point home and get him to stop harassing her about her decision, and when she was done, she was _tired_.

As much as she wanted to go straight to Killian, she needed a good night’s sleep. She’d tell him when she was rested, and then they could _enjoy_ the news together. She fell asleep with a smile on her face.

—

She could feel the butterflies in her stomach. She had woken up happy but too nervous to eat. Emma was finally free of Walsh, finally free to indulge the feelings she’d had for Killian for…longer than she cared to admit.

She stood at his door and took a deep breath. She had the key, she just…needed a moment. _Inhale, exhale_.

Opening the door, she slipped inside and walked down the hall into his kitchen.  

She stopped abruptly, heart dropping to her feet. (Crashing onto the floor and breaking into a million pieces, her mind whispered.)

Killian was there in the kitchen, clad in only his boxers. Laughing happily, making breakfast.

With a woman who wasn’t her. Who was wearing his shirt, the one she’d given him for Christmas a couple years before.

“Emma?” Killian clearly finally spotted her, sobering slightly, though he still reached for Mystery Woman’s hip.

Her eyes followed his motions, and she swallowed. “Oh. Uh. Just wanted to let you know, I broke up with Walsh.”

There was silence, but Killian made no move to step away from the beautiful woman.

“Okay, cool, I-I’m going now,” she added after another awkward moment.

Then she ran, eyes welling with tears.

—

_May 2015_

“I hurt you,” Killian said, sounding surprised.

She shrugged. “Yeah.”

“How-why–I didn’t know I had that kind of power.”

“Well, you do. I’m not indestructible,” she said.

He winced at the tinge of bitterness there. “I’m so sorry, Emma. I-it had been a few weeks and you hadn’t said anything, so I thought you might have just been blowing me off. I didn’t mean to cause you such distress.”

Emma wiped away an errant tear. “I know, and it’s fine…I just can’t do that again. Which is why I’m being very blunt. You have the power to hurt me, like, _a lot_ , so please–be careful with me. I’m fragile.”

“Are we too fragile to make it work?”

She smiled sadly. “I don’t know. Are we?”

“I honestly don’t know, lass. But I do need some time to think.”

“Of course. Just…don’t be a stranger while you’re thinking?”

He reached out and pulled her into his arms. “I’ll do my best. And Emma?”

“Yeah?”

“If you haven’t heard from me about this in a week, you have my permission to come over here and smack me upside the head.”

“Deal.”

—

Four days later, Emma was home snuggling Henry and sipping on a cup of hot cocoa while she watched Black Sails. Smiling at the bounty of pirate-y goodness on her screen, she started when a loud knock sounded at her door.

It was Killian. She welcomed him in, noting the tiredness on his face and tension in his shoulders.

“Killian? Are you okay?”

He smiled at her, scratching behind his ear. “You know, I think I am. Or I will be. Can we talk?”

“Of course. I was just watching some Black Sails.” She tried to calm her pounding heart, but it was mostly an exercise in futility.

He seemed to realize that she was nervous and reached out to lightly squeeze her shoulder. She smiled briefly at him, pulling him onto the couch next to her. Close enough for an emotional conversation, not so close as to be distracting.

“So…”

“How have you been, Emma?”

“Uh, fine. You?”

“Erm, great. Smashing.”

“Awesome.”

“Right on.”

“You know, I think this is the part where we acknowledge the awkwardness of the situation and then actually move forward with the conversation.”

He snorted. “Fair enough, love,” he said, leaning back. He crossed his legs, squirming in his seat. “So I started going through Milah’s things the other day.”

Emma softened. “I–wow, that must be hard. And I really am sorry, but I don’t see what that has to do with…”

“Hear me out? I promise there’s a connection.” He bit his lip, looking nervous, and it drained the last of Emma’s anxiety away. Suddenly she knew–whatever he had to say, they would be fine. She nodded.

“I’ve been trying to decide which of her things to keep, what to donate and all that. It’s…been quite rough, I won’t lie. Every time I turn around in the apartment, it’s like I can see her, and the time we had together. It’s overwhelming.”

She reached over and squeezed his forearm, encouraging him to continue.

“I love Milah, and I always will. I don’t want to forget her, ever. But the thing is, being in that apartment is like being stuck in the life we had together. And…I can’t do that anymore. I need to be able to move forward, even if I make a mess of it.”

He ran his hand through his hair. God, he looked so disheveled. She tamped down on the desire to reach for him, instead letting him finish what he was saying.

“And I know I’ll be slow about it, but I-I want the future, Emma. And I want you there in that future.”

“You mean…?”

“Aye, I want us to be together. If you’ll have me and are okay with us taking it slow.”

“Of course, Killian,” she said, finally reaching for him and pulling him into her arms.

He buried his face in her neck, half on top of her. “Love?”

“Hmm?”

“I meant what I said about loving Milah, but–well, it’s always been you.”

Brushing her lips across the top of his head, she quirked her lips in a sad smile. “Could have fooled me.”

Something like regret passed over his face. “I’m sorry I hurt you, I am, but I can’t regret being with Milah.”

She sighed. “And you shouldn’t. I’m just being…”

“It’s fine, Emma. We need to be able to talk about things that happened so that we don’t make the same mistakes. But you know something?” She shook her head. “Even when I was with Milah, there has never been a version of the future I’ve been able to see that doesn’t have you in it. In every version of reality, you and I are standing next to each other.”

“All of them, huh?”

“Aye. Except the ones where we’re on top of each other,” he said, attempting to wink at her.

She laughed, pulling him into a kiss. It started out gently, all smiles and giggling against each other’s lips. Soon it grew more heated, with hands roaming and loud moans sounding.

Finally, Killian pulled away. “Right, slow,” he said, his voice low and hoarse.

“Right. Yeah,” she said, shivering a little.

“Emma?”

“What’s up?”

He quirked an eyebrow at her and rolled his hips into her thigh. She gave him a quelling look. “Not what I meant, Jones. Behave.”

“Fine, fine. Er, I was going to ask if you’d help me with something?”

“What is it?”

“I’m going to move to my boat for the summer or until I find somewhere else to live. Help me move my things?”

“I see how it is. Dating me to get my help with moving,” she joked.

He rolled eyes at her and shook his head. “Obviously. It’s all been a ruse to enlist your aid, even though Robin and your father have vehicles that would be far more efficient.”

“Well, my mom and Regina would be pretty mad if you tried to date either of them.”

“Then it’s a good thing you’re the one I want.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you like the fic, could you put a comment on it? Love you all, and thanks for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think! I'd love to hear from you.


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